We have to talk about houses

If I were to suggest that the car of choice should be a 1970 Buick, most people would reject that.  If I was to suggest that the home of choice should be a 1970 cape cod, then most people could go with that.  I’m confused.  It has been said that the decision to buy a house is the most important in our lives.  So why do we do it so terribly.  We hire some lady named Gloria to show us some lame homes in our area, and we pick the one that is least bad.  Or, we hire a guy named Darryl or Keith to build us a house we picked out of a catalog.  I hate this.  Our cars are new.  They are highly engineered pieces of machinery built around all the things we love.  And…our houses are old, barely thought out pieces of wood built around everything that our grandparents wanted. 

We have to revolt.  The decision to buy a house is huge, and the goal cannot be based on how much we can afford.  Instead I propose that we base it on how much we can live without.  Then the budget comes down and we get more house we want and less we don’t want.  I could just make a top ten list of terrible options in a house.  So I think I will.  Buy the way there is a good chance that if you like these things I don’t like you.

These are in no special order

1. foyers.  Especially when they are 20 feet tall.  There is no better way to say good bye to 150 square feet than a place to greet the nine people a year that come to your house.

2. crawlspaces.  Hopefully you live up north in the land of basements.  If not, you know the damp, dirty place that sucks energy and introduces mold to millions of home across America every day.

  3. formal dining rooms.  Save the $5000 it costs to buy a table, chairs, and serving hutch.  Put in a large kitchen island or buy a less formal kitchen table.  Or better yet, get a large outdoor table. 

4.carpet.  There has never been a more sinister invention than carpet.  I have asthma, I know.  It is the equivalent of wearing a sweater for three months without washing it.  It is truly  disgusting.  I don’t care if your feet get cold.  Buy socks. 

5.bathtubs.  By this I don’t mean that I reject bathtubs.  I mean that a bathtub is not necessary to call something a bathroom.  I know some people really need to not stand why they clean themselves, but I hate it.  Bathtubs are awesome for soaking away a cold day or a sore back, but not for cleaning a body.  Do you realize that the dirt on you stays in the tub you are “cleaning” yourself in.  Build a steam shower with a seat and reject the tub.

6. vaulted living rooms.  I LOVE 9 foot ceilings.  I love cathedrel ceilings.  But, if you are going to have a house that is two stories, why does your second story not include the whole space?  Why do you now have a light fixture you can never change the bulb in? Why is your ceiling fan 15 feet from a human?  Why is all your winter heating bills going toward heating a space that nobody is in?  STOP.  I reject vaulted ceilings.

7. garages.  I will except a detached workshop with a garage door for working on a classic.  I also will except a garage if your annual lowest temperature is somewhere south of –10.  However, for most of us a garage is a wasteland of old painting supplies and bicycles that nobody rides.  Just have a architecturally cool covered parking area that can double as a patio.  Nobody wants hail damage or ice on their car, I get it.  But you don’t need a garage.

8. separate laundry rooms.  Some folks also call these mudrooms.  Both I reject.  I bet yours has that huge plastic sink that actually has become a storage device.  Having laundry anywhere but in your closet is insane.  If you have kids and don’t want them in your closet, please at least put it in the hall next to your bedrooms.  To prove my point I will now ask you to move your dishwasher to the basement. 

9. lattice work.  If your deck is so high it needs to be hidden then plant something under it.  If you must have lattice then at least lets make the default horizontal and vertical pieces.  The diamond shape is awful.  I once tried to order some vertical and horizontal lattice and it cost more than just buying 1x10’s and putting them up.

10. bay windows.   It was a close battle between bay window and breakfast nook.  So lets just throw them both in.  Can’t think of a good reason to buy a window that cost around $2000 to store some plants in, but a lot a people can. Sad.  Somewhere grandmas are smiling.

I’m sure some of you are wondering if I am proposing tearing down all houses not designed for the owner.  In short…..yes.  In long…..no.  Don’t buy a house just because you can.  Rent until you know what you want.  If you do buy, update it.  If you build hire an architect.  Seriously, they will save you more than you pay them.

I know it is awesome to be green and being green means not tearing down a house and filling up a landfill.  I say that the problem is not me tearing it down.  It is that we haven’t figure out how to recycle the house.  Make some paper, I don’t care.  Just do something before one more human subjects themselves to bad carpet in their house but traction control, abs, airbags, cd changers, heated leather seats, dvd players, and cruise control in there car.